portraying yourself thinking about loving


You become positioned within the body and mind of a four-year-old with a surplus of energy and a head of dirty-blonde hair. All of your memories disappear, and you’re left with the memories of this child of whom you now embody. You don’t quite understand how big the world is yet - your perception of reality is mostly bound to a place you’ve come to know as Caldwell, Idaho. Your day at preschool has just ended - you painted with your hands and fingers today, and it was delightful.


You walk down the serrated ramp of the portable, and head towards the baseball field - you’re meeting with your team for practice today. When you arrive, you notice that no one else is there. An ambiguous adult feeling overcomes you - a mixture of relief and fear. You see something a bit taller than yourself on home base - your curiosity overtakes you, and you begin walking in it’s direction. 


After precisely thirty seconds, you arrive - it’s a replica of Marcel Duchamp’s Fountain sitting on top of a white pedestal. On a dusty metal coathanger protruding from the front of the pedestal is a pair of earbuds lined with earwax - clearly used. The earbuds are looping a song, The Seasons Reverse by Gastr Del Sol, from a purple iPod Touch duct taped to the right side of the pedestal.


    My exhibition - titled portraying yourself thinking about loving - acts as a personal exploration of memory, and an articulation of the ways in which experimental art has inextricably impacted my worldview - I would argue, for the better. The exhibition is made of two major artworks, mentioned above - in the following paragraphs I will be analyzing and historically contextualizing these artworks in relation to modernism.


    Marcel Duchamp’s infamous artwork Fountain needs no introduction - it’s polarizing political and artistic nature has made it a symbol of Modernism and Dada in the public consciousness. For those who aren’t familiar, Fountain (a prime example of Duchamp’s idea of Readymades) is a porcelain urinal, inscribed on it’s base: “R. Mutt, 1917” - R. Mutt being a pseudonym of Duchamp’s. 


    Kelly Grovier’s 2017 article “The urinal that changed how we think” further contextualizes the history of the abstruse urinal. Duchamp created the work to test the limits of what people were willing to consider an ‘artwork’. As a founding member of the Society of Independent artists in New York, and an advocate for their avant-garde principles, he submitted Fountain to be shown in an exhibition in 1917. To his dismay, the artwork was voted out “on the grounds of aesthetic crudity” - which led to his personal decision to resign. He was able to smuggle the work out of the organization’s possession, and eventually had it photographed by Aflred Stieglitz - the image that most of us associate with Fountain today.


You tuck your hair behind your ears, and put the headphones snugly inside of them, feeling both dazed and electrified as the lyrics begin—“September reverses and the equinoxes flip / And winter slides into fall / When glimpsed in leaps of nine months or more / The seasons reverse, they spring back and fall forward”.

    81 years after the creation of Fountain, Gastr Del Sol released their album Camofluer - which could be considered experimental indie rock, but which hybridizes multiple genres into a unique multifaceted style. The first track of the album is called The Seasons Reverse - a fast-paced melancholic song describing a world in which the arrow of time is manipulated depending on specific personal experiences.


    As soon as the song begins, we’re thrown right into it’s world, as fast-paced sixteenth note percussion loops begin to rush by, being contrasted in speed and timbre by finger-plucked guitar chords on every quarter note. As a listener, the song positions me within an emotional experience which is strong but which cannot be pinned down to a singular thing - by being non-prescriptive, it envelops me in an experience that feels more honest and reflective about the complex feelings which come with experiencing a life.


    Modernism plays an inextricable role in developing some of the most impactful philosophies in the history of experimental art as a whole, and so, I would argue that Gastr Del Sol’s The Seasons Reverse is inextricable from that history. The relationship of the album as whole to experimental electronic music and free jazz makes this abundantly clear.


You’ve been looking at the back of your eyelids for some time now - the song acting as a soundtrack to that impalpable dance of color and light which you see as you push against your them. After a few minutes of fast-paced melancholy, the song transitions into a section with a slowed tempo and lowered pitches. This emotional valence is different - heavier, slower, and more honest. Small streams of water escape the corners of your eyes, and your field of vision becomes slowly disassociated from your eye sockets. Eventually you notice yourself sliding towards the stream of water running down the corner of your left eye. The stream of water becomes a cold river, and you become a rubber floating tube - you can no longer see, or hear, or feel, or think. 


After an indistinct amount of non-time, you wake up in the body of a young adult woman - freshly 20 years old with shaggy brown hair, and wearing a fitted black mini-dress. You notice adult thoughts like “I need to schedule an appointment with my gastroenterologist” and “why am I so horny right now?”. You’re in a room with white walls, fluorescent tube lighting, and shag carpet - you’re reading a thick leather-bound book. You feel anxious, but excited to have something to do.


    So what is modernism? Modernism refers to an art movement in the 20th century, positioning itself as a radical split from the expectations of popular culture - it explores a range of themes, like innovation, hybridity, and industrialization. Modernism is indistinct - it doesn’t describe a particular entity, but a collection of practices and occurrences, which influence each other within a diffused network. Modernism, as we know it today, wasn’t described until the mid 20th century, further driving home the point that it’s a way of thinking about things rather than a distinct thing in of itself.


    In Marcel Duchamp’s essay “The Great Trouble with Art in This Country”, he describes the pitfalls of traditional artmaking, and talks about how his artwork relates and contrasts to that of several Modernist art movements - Cubism, Futurism, Impressionism, and of course Dadaism - which he describes as "a way to get out of a state of mind—to avoid being influenced by one’s immediate environment, or by the past: to get away from cliches—to get free".


    The constructivist view contrasts this greatly, in it’s proposition of the incompatibility between knowledge-making and art-making - In Alexander Rodchenko and Vavra Stepanova’s Program of the Productivist Group they break down their ideology into two components: “a) Proving by word and deed the incompatibility of artistic activity and intellectual production / b) The real participation of intellectual production as an equivalent element”. Their attitude succinctly expressed later, with the statement: “Down with art. / Love live technic.”


    “Cannibalism alone unites us. Socially. Economically. Philosophically.” - This is the first line of Oswald de Andrade’s 1928 essay the Cannibalist Manifesto. The last two paragraphs references texts which are canonized within Western Modernism, while this one exists within the context of Brazilian Modernism - a movement which was in conversation with the latter, while critiquing the false narrative of Europe as the primary source for artistic innovation. Through an anachronistic and poetic style of writing, the author explores the idea of cannibalism - that being a term to refer to the transmogification of the physical and cultural byproducts of colonialism into forms which can give a platform to the oppressed. 


    These disparate examples of modernist thought make it clear just how wide of an umbrella Modernism is. Despite their differences, these artistic philosophies are in deep conversation with one another, and each share the goal of radical innovation.


    When researching and conversing about Modernism, I can’t help but question the value of art in a broader cultural context - I know that art history is entwined with much of modern popular culture, and that everything has trickle-down effects on everything else, and that every part of culture has value for just existing even if it doesn’t have tangible utility - but I would like to propose that the ways of thinking associated with experimental art, much of which being entwined with histories of modernism, have a radical potential when applied to external contexts like your process and perspective of everyday life.


Over months of reading, you watch the words in your leather-bound book deconstruct - they become abstract symbols, and then they become colors, and then they become feelings. Each feeling is distinct; the sensation of wearing wet socks, the feeling of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth, the smell of hydrangea, or the feeling of dehydration. After some practice, these feelings become experiences in combination; playing with your dog in the park, pulling an all-nighter to write an essay, swimming in a lake.


After an impossible amount of time, you reach the end of the book - the final experience denoted is that of a four-year-old with a surplus of energy and a head of dirty-blonde hair - she sits cross-legged, drifting back and forth, and chews on a small oak stick. With a gentle smile, you close the book, and in front of you appears a piece of dirty glass and a butter knife - without hesitation, you rub the butter knife against the glass, and it produces a sound that you’ve never heard before.